i would do anything to stop this situation oh man.

I wrote that letter to that friend and he reacted so well. 

6ish years ago, I was living with my ex-boyfriend and a guy who didn’t know if he liked me or not and spent most of his time high or drunk. I was so fucking miserable and so determined to not go home that I stuck it out. I still don’t know if that was a good idea. 

Anyway, the other guy who wasn’t my ex, his name was Iain, I wrote him a letter one day. 4 pages explaining why he was getting me down and saying basically, stop being nasty about my weight. I’d gone up from a size 8 toa  12 because of the implant and was incredibly sensitive about it. I wrote it and put rose petals inside the envelope because I was writing it as someone who wanted him to know that I did love him and I did care, I just had some problems. I thought it was a nice gesture. 

He read it, stomped through to my bedroom and ripped it over my head and then went on to slap and punch my face repeatedly and call me a fucking stupid whore. He hated me and he didn’t care if I knew it any more. I was on the phone to my boyfriend when he came in so the boyfriend heard everything. I was terrified and humiliated. I wasn’t angry at him. I wish I’d been angry. I even carried on being friends with him for 2 years after that. 

He stopped me feeling like I could speak to people about problems I was having. Especially friends. He reinstalled the fear that my mother had given me when she did similar shit. I was a broken mess and I didn’t move out. I carried on. I refused to give up and it almost killed me. I tried to kill myself a year after that incident, in fact. 

Nobody, fucking nobody would get away with that shit now. I’m so glad I’m not that girl any more. I wish I could hug her and talk to her.

I really haven’t gotten to a point where I always want to be there for you. I haven’t gotten to a point where I can constantly be your shoulder to cry on. It was never really my intention to get that close again and maybe that’s where I’m at fault because I probably should have made it clear to you but I did say small steps and I thought that was a good implication of my intentions.

I have my own problems and issues, especially right now and I’m not telling you to take them on as your on because even I can’t handle them but I am saying take them into consideration. There is no measurement of problems and it’s all relative to your own feelings and emotions but there are some things that shouldn’t be said to me in the middle of the night. You need to realise that I am not an on-call counsellor and much like most people, that time of night is definitely a time that I’m looking to wind down. I know I sound selfish and maybe I am being so but I don’t think asking to be left alone at that time of night is too much to ask. Because, think about it. Even if you call like you wanted to this morning at 2am, when I get off the phone I STILL need to wind down and not go to bed with all your problems and complaints filling up my head. 

This leads me onto Sam. I know your relationship is your business but you did ask. One of the things you did with Elaine was be very impatient with her work and you’re doing it again with Sam. You need to realise that her life cannot and should not revolve around you. Being in a relationship with somebody who is ambitious and hardworking isn’t something you should resent. It’s impressive and you should be proud of of her. She can’t change her life to fit yours and it’s unfair to expect that from her. You need to let her have a life outside of you and make sure you have a life outside of her! Relationships are built on mutual understanding, trust and patience. At the moment you only seem to be offering her trust. 

Though, haha. Sorry. I’m really trying to not have a go at you but I feel this all needs to be said. You complained about your friends not getting in touch etc and I know for myself that I have had so much going on in my head that I have had entire weeks go past without me realising. I’m living on next to no money and my main objective on any given week is just to manage to get through the month. I don’t make plans with anyone because I can’t afford to do anything. I’m not ashamed but I’m not going to go out of my way to make plans that I can’t afford to go through with. I can’t even really afford to have people over for pizza. It’s pretty bad but I’m fine with it. My friends are fine with it, the ones who have stuck around and in order to be my friend, you have to be fine with it. It’s nothing personal to you and I think whatever their circumstances, it’s likely nothing to do with you for the rest of your friends. 

I have so many people who love and care about me but I constantly feel like I’m on the verge of rejection???

2014 has mostly been crying over my family and panic attacks. gr8

It’s my mum’s birthday on Tuesday and I can’t bring myself to go and see her. I’m giving my little sister money to buy her presents and I’ll call but every time I hear from her now, I feel like something is stuck in my throat. It’s like a ball of sadness right in the middle of my throat.

I hate that I’m at this stage with her and every time she’s nice to me, I feel like a horrible person but obviously this is all because she has been repeatedly horrible to me.

I have a teeny tiny scratch on my wrist from one of the cats,  probably and I just remembered 2 years ago I was at my mums and I had a similar scratch, still a cat and my stepdad spotted it and froze. I saw the look on his face and explained that I’d just been playing with the cats but it took a long time for the colour to return to his face.
When I was 15, I used to babysit my sisters and once, I tried to get dinner out the oven without a glove. Didn’t work out well obviously and I ended up with a pretty nasty burn. My guidance teacher noticed it and took me to his office. He was so upset that he started crying. he was the first man I met in the school and he knew how terrified and desperately sad I was. He told me he was scared I’d not turn up one day. It’s funny… my self harming was the least of my problems. I did it to help myself cope. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t do it to die. Nobody seemed to understand that which is fair- it barely makes sense to me now.

It breaks my heart that my stepdad still worries about it when it’s been such a long time since I last did it. I’m so separate from it now.

I think the scariest thing about my relationship with my mum is that I am so similar to her and I don’t want to be. I remember crying because somebody said I was my mum’s double. Not even just because of her but because I didn’t want to be the double of anyone, I wanted to mould myself and break out of my toxic family with a personality that didn’t mean in 20 years time, I’d be a bitter, nasty person like a lot of people in my family have turned out to be- my mum especially.

While I was down, I felt like everything I said was being scrutinised. She turned everything against me. I told her Gavin was shocked about me not seeing Jim Carrey films as a child… she said I was saying she was a bad mum. I told her when I was 8, I got annoyed with Santa for getting my presents mixed up with my cousin’s again and ended up destroying my cousin’s presents because I was a little shit. She said I was saying she was a bad parent. I wasn’t. I was telling a funny story. Constant scrutinisation and trying to make me feel guilty which ALWAYS WORKS on me so I’d rather she didn’t take advantage of that. 

On Christmas night, she spoke about how I’m terrible for not being married, for not being successful and told me she feels sorry for me because I’ll never experience childbirth. My poor little sister heard all of this and kept shooting looks of ‘sorry’ at me. Ridiculous. She said I shouldn’t be upset over Endometriosis because it wasn’t all that bad. She also said that about my abuse and genuinely had to be reminded by my stepdad that the court case wasn’t where my trauma started- it was years before then. Literally anything that doesn’t involve her just leaves her mind.

I probably can’t get over shit, ever because she makes me feel like there’s nothing to get over and I’m being dramatic just by saying I’m struggling.

Christmas is a fucking ballache. 

I never used to really see the point in letting go of things. Things matter. The good and bad that happens to you matters. Why would you let go of something that mattered? I don’t even know if that makes sense, actually but basically to me, everything is important, everything matters so much and when you stop realising that, you take everything for granted. I never want to be the kind of person who takes things for granted. 

I let a lot of old wounds heal in 2013. I let go. I’m so glad I did. The pain I let go of mattered and always will but it isn’t relevant any more. It’s bullshit pain that was experienced by an earlier version of myself. It’s not who I am any more. The stuff that happened to me, the stuff I did to others… dust in the wind. 

My family, my dad’s family, all walked out of my life when I was 12 because they didn’t believe that he’d molested me. It was so painful. There were no goodbyes, no closure. Just a whole family letting go of me because I tried to save my sister’s from suffering because of him. I mourned their loss for a long, long time. It was such a heavy dose of rejection. I never knew how to forget that- I knew I’d never forgive it.

I can’t forget it, I don’t want to forgive it really. Some people don’t deserve your forgiveness and sometimes, trying to forgive people who don’t deserve it does far more damage than not forgiving ever could. It’s a very Catholic idea that all should be forgiven, they shouldn’t. I don’t think they deserve my forgiveness but I do think I deserve to be able to move on. 

I let go by accident. I didn’t try. I realised one day that it’d been a long time since I’d thought of them. Another day I realised I’d forgotten what they sounded like. A few weeks ago I couldn’t remember any of my dad’s characteristics and just like that… I’d let go.

This has been the best year of my life to date probably and I think accidentally letting go was maybe the reason why. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely fine, that took 11 years and a LOT of suffering but maybe I’ll need 11 years more to not be scared of rejection.